Christmas Cards From Politicians: The Good, the Bad, the Embarrassing

When you care enough to send something via mass distribution list…

If you live in Washington, D.C. — hell, if you live anywhere in the world — you’re likely to get a Christmas card from a politician at some point during the holiday season.

The banal folding of card stock usually reads something like this:

Generic, Non-Offensive Holiday Greeting.
Brock Thompson. I hope you and your SINGLE along with your NO CHILDREN have a festive holiday season.

Maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t get a White House Christmas card this year. I’ve seen boys I know do body shots off of porn stars in Provincetown and still get a White House Christmas card. Seems unfair.

Well, no matter. I’ve pulled out some of my favorite Christmas cards from politicos and public servants for your enjoyment. Let’s start with a true holiday classic, the Huckabee clan taken from his days as the governor of Arkansas.

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War on Christmas? The only thing Mike Huckabee is at war with here is a carotid artery.

In that photo, it’s difficult to tell where one Huckabee ends and another begins. This much is certain: there was a real betrayal by whoever recommended vertical stripes. I just wish that photo was available in 3D. For the Huckabees, I would have suggested a snowy shot of the governor’s mansion, not posing on a wooden bench that you can hear creaking despite it being a photograph.

In all fairness, I should state that I have a long-running feud with the Huckabees. He thinks I’m a sinner, I think he’s a bloated charlatan that will do anything to get attention. If we ever sat down, we would probably realize we have a great deal in common. The feud started when I emailed his wife, Janet, criticizing her for taking a part-time job at the Waffle House for some ill-conceived charity gimmick. No, kidding. Read those emails here.

Up next, Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez. Her cards are often attempts at the funny and cute, but in reality only come off as bizarre and sending mixed messages about motorcycle safety.

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That’s her cat, Gretzky. Notice his tail is on fire. That is all.

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Here she is with Gretzky again, and riding a motorcycle without a helmet. I guess. Poor Gretzky died recently, probably from embarrassment. No matter, he still made his way into one of the congresswoman’s recent holiday cards. That’s Gretzky’s face in the ornaments.

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And there is our ambassador to Finland, Brue Oreck, who takes the fruitcake when it comes to nontraditional holiday greetings.

Here are two of his recent ones.

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I already know your first question. No, he isn’t.

Oreck, of the Oreck vacuum cleaner fortune, was a huge fundraiser for the Obama campaign. And when you raise over $500,000, as Mr. Oreck did, you get a cherry ambassadorship in Europe. You are also so high up the Festivus pole that no one dares say, “Hey, maybe these cards say the wrong thing.” I should mention that Oreck was a professional bodybuilder.

Of these palm-in-face holiday greetings, which one was your favorite?

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