We are on the verge of a major world catastrophe. Are you sitting down? Because it’s that serious you need to be. You might even want to grip the edge of your desk, the arm of a loved one or whatever is in close proximity.
We’re running out of chocolate.
Yes, according to two of the world’s biggest chocolate producers, Mars, Inc. and Barry Callebaut, the chocolate deficit is about to skyrocket. I know I certainly eat way too much chocolate, but I had no idea everyone else was, too, but the proof is in the mousse: We’re eating much more chocolate than farmers can produce cocoa, and we could … I’m breathing into a paper bag now … potentially run out of chocolate.
We are currently in the midst of the lengthiest run of consecutive chocolate deficits in more than 50 years, The Washington Post reported. In 2013, “the world ate roughly 70,000 metric tons more cocoa than it produced. By 2020, the two chocolate-makers warn that that number could swell to 1 million metric tons, a more than 14-fold increase; by 2030, they think the deficit could reach 2 million metric tons.”
There are a few reasons this shortage is happening. Dry weather in West Africa caused a decline in production, plus there was a gross fungal disease that took out up to 40 percent of the world’s cocoa production. And then there’s us addicts, especially those who have a penchant for the dark variety, which contains much more cocoa by volume than regular chocolate, the Post said.
There may be hope, though, as research groups in Central Africa are developing trees “that can produce up to seven times the amount of beans traditional cocoa trees can,” the Post said. But Bloomberg’s Mark Schatzker said there may be a caveat: “Efforts are under way to make chocolate cheap and abundant — in the process inadvertently rendering it as tasteless as today’s store-bought tomatoes, yet another food, along with chicken and strawberries, that went from flavorful to forgettable on the road to plenitude.”
Can you even image a world without chocolate? Or one in which said chocolate didn’t taste as good as it does right this very second? I sure as hell can’t, and I won’t, so I suggest we give up these 10 things instead — and maybe ration our daily chocolate intake to one piece. And by one piece I mean bag.
1. Taylor Swift’s “Ohmigosh!” face
Cannot. See. This. Face. One. More. Time.
2. Anything Kardashian and/or Jenner
Well, Kim, I couldn’t have described you and your whole Klan better myself!
3. Hatred and disdain toward fat people
Memphis, Tenn.-based photographer Haley Morris-Cafiero started a photo series called “Wait Watchers,” where she comes out from behind the lens to take a photo of herself in public settings. But instead of taking the obligatory duck-faced selfie, the photographer, who happens to be overweight, is conducting a sickening social experiment. You see, she captures nearby people who are caught on film giving her and her larger-than-a-size-two frame shade.
The series started when Morris-Cafiero sat on the red steps in New York’s Times Square to take a self-portrait. A guy behind her had his friend take a photo of him as he made a face toward Morris-Cafiero. “Even though we’re in the sensory-overload capital of the world, and he’s being photographed, he seems to be fixated on me,” she told ViralNova. “I’m very interested in how society uses the gaze to communicate their emotion, then how we, in turn, interpret the way people look at us.”
Maybe you think us zaftig people are just lazy, but we could be overweight for a number of reasons that are none of your Goddamn business. Sure, some of us could lose weight if we really tried, but guess what? Every single one of us has flaws, even you. I think the fact that this guy felt he needed to have his friend take this picture is a hell of a lot more disgusting than I or Haley Morris-Cafiero could ever be. Drops mic.
4. Gwyneth Paltrow’s completely out-of-touch ridiculousness
In its annual gift guide, Gwynnie’s lifestyle site Goop lists: a $12,000 vase, $450 slippers, a $370 champagne ice bucket that is “a pretty big upgrade on the standard cooler” (ya think?!) and, among many other overpriced items, a $1,995 earring — no, that’s not a typo, there’s just one earring. “This single earring works perfectly with a simple stud in the opposite ear,” Goop suggested.
5. “Jokes” about race/religion
My God, can’t we all just get along already? Enough with all. The world is clearly going to hell in a handbasket, and it’s time for everyone to respect everyone else.
PS: Your oh-so-popular #WhitePeople cracks prove that you’re just as racist as you think every single white person is, so there’s that.
6. Adam Sandler in anything, much less four new things on Netflix
Just when we thought Netflix was legit original awesomeness thanks to “House of Cards” and “Bojack Horseman,” the service announced a four-picture deal with Adam Sandler. Because he’s been such a box-office draw lately I guess. Too soon?
7. “Real Housewives” of Anywhere
With daytime and primetime soap star Lisa Rinna joining the cast of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” tonight for the trashy show’s fifth season, we can expect even more wine to be wasted and for that, all the women who have ever been associated with any “RHO …” should be sacrificed to the gods of chocolate in hopes it somehow stops the shortage.
8. Cats — and cat memes
I think dogs rule and cats drool and not just because I’m severely allergic to felines. Cats are just assholes, and most people I’ve known who had one think their cat is a dick, so I’m not really going out on a limb when I say they are pure evil. I mean, look at the above. They’re jerks even to their own kind. Huh, kinda like humans.
9. Stupid faces in selfies — or selfies in general
On Sunday, I visited my local Target, and a teen girl shopping with her mom sat down in a fuzzy chair that was on display, got herself all comfortable as if she were back in the bedroom she probably locks herself in as soon as she gets home from school and promptly took several selfies. Mostly duck-faced selfies, as it were. In a Target furniture display. The selfie has reached a critical mass, and it’s time for it to just fucking die already. On second thought, maybe I would rather have a cat meme …
10. Beyonce being called a really good dancer.
Yes, she’s Queen Bey. Yes, she and Jay-Z run any town they happen to be in. And yes, she’s stunning, smoking hot, etc. and so forth, but c’mon, people. She just looks like she’s in pain when she’s dancing. I mean, in the above graphic, you know she had to have pulled her back with that move!
Nikki M. Mascali is the editor of TheBlot Magazine.
