So You Have a Fetish: Don't Go from Zero to Fisting

When introducing a new partner to a fetish, don't go from zero to fisting. That's just bad manners. Here are five ways to start the conversation — and fun. — When introducing a new partner to a fetish, don’t go from zero to fisting. That’s just bad manners. Here are five ways to start the conversation — and fun.

Everyone can be a bit of a freak in their own uniquely kinky way. The Internet has allowed us to explore various forms of sexual expression from the privacy of our own home. It’s also ensured that, while being exposed to sex at an earlier age, we may develop interesting predilections and carnal idiosyncrasies. That’s all perfectly natural. However, when someone hears the word “fetish,” they tighten up in the worst ways possible and think the strangest thing they can imagine.

A fetish can be anything from liking long hair to only being able to orgasm if you’re listening to classical music while being pelted with tennis balls. It can seem difficult to share these interests with a new sex partner or even, in some cases, establish a healthy relationship. Things can get really awkward really fast, but here are a few tips on how to broach the topic with a new partner.

1. Don’t Lead with the Fetish

It may seem like it makes sense to just find someone who is into the exact same things as you. That is great, but then, you’re building your entire relationship around sex. You’re also limiting your dating pool to the select few who have the same kinks as you. You can’t fall into the Prince/Princess Charming belief that there is someone out there who is your perfect partner. It’s possible, but not likely, that you can build a healthy, open relationship by finding someone who feels the same way about feet as you do. But you wouldn’t walk up to someone and ask them if they want to have sex and expect something deeply emotional to develop. So how can you expect new people to just hop on board the kink train? Instead, wait until you start to actually have sex before you introduce your special interests.

2. Establish Trust

You have to build trust with a new partner before you open up your sex dungeon — or your heart. It may seem like you should be open from the get-go about what you want, however, you’re more likely to get rejected and judged if someone doesn’t understand it. That can implicitly encourage shame about whatever you enjoy sexually. Instead, wait until you’ve reached a healthy level of trust and share your wants and needs with your partner. When you enter into a trusting relationship, you and your partner will want to please each other. You may be surprised at how willing someone who cares about you is willing to go. Plus, it can be more gratifying if someone is choosing to join you in sitting on cakes or erotically popping balloons to please you rather than just doing it haphazardly.

3. Have Open Conversation

Opening up emotionally, and occasionally physically, is a great way to be vulnerable. That helps establish intimacy. Intimacy leads to relationships and the light side of the force. Open communication allows you to share your feelings and help build that trust you need to proceed. But, like with any communication, it’s good to be clear, use “I” statements, and be diplomatic.

4. Go Slow

You can’t go from zero to fisting. Let your partner open up to the idea. They just might derive pleasure and excitement from your pleasure and excitement. You can slowly start to incorporate elements of your interest and take your partner on a similiar journey you went through with your kink. A fetish can be the accelerant to a really intense passion. But like with lighter fluid, it’s better slow and steady than just throwing it all on the fire.

5. Incorporate Your Partner’s Interests

Healthy sex is a balancing act. You want to incorporate your partner’s interests and your own. Sure, it’s great if you find Mr. or Mrs. Right who loves to spank as much as you do, but healthy sex is about sharing and mutual satisfaction. Try switching off or incorporating their interests into play.

These are just a few ways you can let your freak flag fly while still having healthy emotionally available sex. After all, every lock needs a key no matter what form of restrictive device it’s attached to.

Christian Cintron is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.