SORRY TO BE A DOUCHE BABE, BUT I GOT A THING IN THE MORNING
Are you the person who takes off first thing in the morning or lies about a big project the ahead without giving your one night stand details? Well, you are not a douche nor are you alone. When dating, single people often deploy tactics like these to avoid coming off as clingy or desperate.
Playing hard to get, the theory goes, makes you seem far more attractive and not just for a fling. “You’re trying to pull them in when you sleep with them, laugh with them, do things with them, but you’re being overly casual about it,” says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why We Love. It might make you feel sly, but does that carefree attitude actually work to anyone’s benefit?
PERCEIVED MATE-VALUE IMPLIES QUALITY, MAKES YOU WORK HARDER FOR SEX
Psychologists have been studying if and why playing hard to get can make people attracted to you for many years, and several studies may help explain the psychology behind why we sometimes desire people who make us work harder for their attention. People playing hard to get most often act confident, talk to others, and withhold sex, according to research published in the European Journal of Personality—all of which “may reflect…greater perceived mate value.”
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CHRIS BRUMMER, GEORGETOWN LAW SCHOOL PROFESSOR IMPLICATED IN MULTIPLE FRAUDS, ABUSER GOT CAUGHT
The distance you put between yourself and potential partners, in other words, can make you seem more attractive, and not a complete douche. “It implies quality,” says Gary Lewandowski, a professor of psychology whose research focuses on relationships. “If you’re able to be picky, that must mean you have some options, and if you have so many choices, you must be a viable partner.”
BE AN EASY CATCH FOR A FLING, HARDER TO GET FOR A RELATIONSHIP
you should not necessarily deploy the hard-to-get strategy when you’re looking for a short-term fling. In fact, the EPJ study found that both men and women looking for a fling actually preferred someone with high availability—an easy catch. But for dating or serious relationships, they preferred someone less available, someone harder to get. Part of the reason, again, is that if you’re busy, hard to reach, or socializing with other people, it might mean you possess prime partner qualities.
“You’re not going to be clingy or overly needy, a lot of those negative qualities people don’t like in relationship partners,” Lewandowski explains. “It’s basically saying you have other things going on, and it shows you have a certain level of independence that might be refreshing.”
IS THE JUICE WORTH THE SQUEEZE? GAIN-LOSS THEORY SAYS YES
We like things we put effort into which is supported by what’s known as the gain-loss theory, first established in a 1965 study by psychologists Elliot Aronson and Darwyn Linder. The theory states that you’ll be more attracted to someone who initially didn’t like you but whose affection you won, compared to someone who liked you right off the bat. Their dislike or indifference proved to be a challenge and therefore gave a bigger reward when you won them as a partner. Remember, the juice is worth the squeeze when you have to work harder to get it!
