Don’t be a writer. Writing sucks. They’ll pay you in pennies — and that’s if you get paid at all (good luck with that). And you’ll get rejected. A lot. More than a lot. Some of those rejections will be really shitty, too. They won’t say, “You’re really good, but this is not for us.” Instead, it’ll be, “No, thanks,” or worse, “Whoever told you you could be a writer?”
You won’t get used to it with time, by the way. So keep that in mind.
Writing sucks.
But I couldn’t live without it. I love it. So to keep my sanity (and yours), I’ve made a drinking game out of it.
One shot for your first rejection ever. Go ahead, enjoy. I know you didn’t think you’d be rejected. I know you thought you weren’t like the rest of us. We all thought so at some point, too, you know. Welcome to the club!
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One shot for every literary magazine rejection. Make it two each time you’re rejected just a few minutes after hitting send.
One glass of wine every time you’re plagued with writer’s block. You’ll write better drunk, anyway. It’s a scientific fact.
One bottle of (cheap) wine every time you take a peek at your bank account. Or when you have to pay the bills. Or when you’re hungry and need new clothes. Or your car breaks down.
Two shots each time some untalented asshole gets a book deal. Make sure it burns when it goes down your throat. It’s supposed to hurt, you know?
Three shots if your novel is exactly the same as that asshole’s, except better.
One shot for every writing contest you don’t win. And every thousand dollars you’re missing out on.
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One shot each time a family member or friend tells you to hang in there. Or tells you about J.K. Rowling and how so many editors rejected her for years. Actually, make it two shots for J.K. Rowling. I know about J.K. Rowling, okay?
One shot each time a family member or friend says an editor or literary agent is stupid for not taking you on. That they’re “missing out.” They’re not missing out. They have plenty of clients, thank you very much.
Two shots each time a family member or friend tells you to give up on this writing thing already and be realistic. Yeah, okay. Thanks for that, but no. Didn’t you hear about J.K. Rowling?
One bottle of (fancy) wine when you finish the first draft of your first-ever novel.
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And one (cheap) shot when you read it over and realize it actually sucks.
Two shots each time a literary agent almost takes you on. Almost.
One glass of champagne when someone says something meaningful about your work. Especially when the comment isn’t so much of a “this is good,” but more of a “your story made me cry.”
One glass of champagne when your work is finally accepted for publication. Or two or three or four. You’ve got to get yourself pretty drunk, because tomorrow you’ll start this process all over again. And it’s going to suck.
