Is Cher in trouble again? OK. The television attached to the gym treadmill automatically defaults to C-SPAN. Inevitably, I get sucked into it, especially when they open the lines up for viewer phone calls.
C-SPAN callers usually just scream “PENIS!” or ramble on about Howard Stern before hanging up. But when the moderator says, “Lisa, an Independent caller from Danville, Ky.,” you know you are in for a real treat.
Lisa wanted to make a point, but rather than try to sum it up, let’s let Lisa speak for herself.
The most troubling thing about this call? How did a viewer from rural Kentucky stumble upon such highly sensitive material? The TRIFORCE (the Russian, Canadian, American Federation) needs better net security.
Lisa desperately wanted to make an impression on guest David Wolman, contributing editor at Wired and author of “The End of Money.” Wolman deserves an Academy Award for sitting through that without even smirking or rolling his eyes. Not sure why C-SPAN didn’t at least try to bail him out by going to some ubiquitous shot of the Lincoln Memorial or a fluttering flag.
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Nevertheless, Lisa was trying very hard, even though her “educated words are not too well.” Sadly, she is eventually cut off before she could probably complain that the radio the CIA installed in her tooth plays only soft jazz. She did manage to get some points out. But to cut her off too soon would be to rob C-SPAN of a huge viewing block. That is, the huge number of us who watch to see people like Lisa spout off on the alignment of the pyramids and the “zoning of oil.” I should point out: Lisa probably votes in every election.
But this barely holds a candle to my other favorite C-SPAN moment. In October of 2003, watching C-SPAN during the George W. Bush administration, a woman called in asking viewers who say they support the troops to actually do so. Being an entertainer herself, she has had the privilege to visit wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Medical Center and went on to describe one visit in detail.
Here’s the line-by-line of my favorite part:
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C-SPAN Moderator: And you’re down in Miami Beach, back in Miami Beach?
Caller: I’m down here today.
C-SPAN Moderator: What were you doing at Walter Reed? Are you a volunteer?
Caller: No, I was just asked to come and spend the day. I was working that day in Washington, D.C., and. . .
C-SPAN Moderator: What kind of work do you do?
Caller: Um … I’m an entertainer.
C-SPAN Moderator: Oh, what kind of entertaining? Are you USO?
Caller: No, I actually was called by the USO, but I’m … I’m … I’m just … I’m an entertainer and I really don’t want to go much past that but … um…
C-SPAN Moderator: Is this CHER?
Caller: Yeah.
C-SPAN Moderator: (wetting himself) OK … and you spent the day at Walter Reed.
Watch the whole exchange here:
Who really watches C-SPAN? Cher, apparently.
Priceless.
