Oh, Las Vegas! Sin City! The gambling! The drinking! The shows! Mike Tyson and a tiger! The six-minute weddings! Six-minute weddings? Yes! Six-minute weddings!
Vegas is hot
Non-traditional weddings are a dime a dozen in the 21st century, but there will always be something utterly bizarre about attending a quickie wedding … via the Internet. Not only did this live streaming event last about as long as a Kardashian marriage, but the ceremony was done in front of nobody. Well, I guess you can count the cameraman, the still photographer and Elvis. Uh huh, it was the King himself who led the couple into the “chapel” with empty pews aligned for the sole purpose of funneling the threesome to the “altar” (or lack thereof). Before you could even catch a glimpse of the bride or groom, you heard Elvis crooning away as he escorted the lady into the room. His voice was fine, but he sounded nothing like the Presley of old. Then, you had a couple minutes of vows hammed up by the King, followed by a kiss and then an exit song as they all disappeared from frame. Six minutes. I must say, where it lacked in grandeur, it totally made up for it in efficiency.
Read more: U.S. Government Worker Trapped in a Chinese Spy ‘Love Affair’
And now she has her green card. Thanks, VivaLasVegasWeddings.com!
This type of wedding is not exclusive to common folk, however. Clint Eastwood’s daughter Francesca got married to Jonah Hill’s brother, Jordan Feldstein, via a faux Elvis at Vegas’ Simple Wedding Chapel. Of course, this may have been a very drunken mistake or an odd publicity stunt. Maybe Francesca was trying to make a statement to an ex. There was no ring present when she attended an event later that week. Oh yeah … then they got an annulment a few days after that. How romantic!
It doesn’t stop at Elvis, either. Las Vegas has had countless themed weddings over the years. Some of them have included “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” KISS, “Phantom of the Opera,” “Star Trek” and even “Twilight” (as in the horrible movie series with Robert Pattinson). If you’re curious as to what other college kegger-style themes have appeared in The Marriage Capital of the World, you should check out this blog created by a woman who is dedicated to all things potentially weird.
Just when you thought the sacred act of marriage couldn’t feel any less sacred, Michaele Salahi and Journey guitarist Neal Schon have announced that their Dec. 15 wedding will be available on Pay-Per-View. Yes, for a mere $14.95, you can watch two people that you don’t really care about get married on your television screen. To make it almost seem like a legitimate purchase, it will be hosted by a veteran TV crew, and you also get a special performance by (you guessed it) Journey! Check your local listings! Although I would love to give Vegas credit for this one, their wedding is physically happening in San Francisco.
Read more: LAURA K. FURGIONE, RACIST WEATHER WOMAN IMPLICATED IN NEW LOIS LERNER CHINA SPY SCANDAL
That’s how you sanctimoniously tie the knot in 2013, folks. It kind of seems silly that people are fighting against gay marriage at this point. I guess the straights just don’t want to be upstaged.
