A cover version of a great song is, by necessity, problematic because the original is flawless and in no need of fixing up or reworking. But a terrible cover song truly adds insult to injury. Here, in my humble estimation, are the 10 worst musical remakes in history — the ones that had me going back in time to the first and perfectly fine versions.
“ROLLING IN THE DEEP,” ARETHA FRANKLIN (2014)
Aretha has done some amazing covers through the years, like “I Say A Little Prayer,” “Oh Me, Oh My (I’m a Fool For You Baby)” and “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” all of which she invigorated and transformed. But at this stage in her career, she didn’t have the breath control to make something extraordinary out of Adele’s smash cry of pain. While Adele made magic out of every powerfully sung yelp, Aretha just bleated it out, and you wait through each phrase to see if she’ll make it to the next. Painful.
“YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE,” PHIL COLLINS (1982)
The Supremes did the ultimate version of this song in 1966, nailing both the longing and the bounciness of the lyrics’ conceit. Sixteen years later, along came Phil, with a workmanlike but joyless remake which just didn’t cut it for me (though it hit Top 10 with the public). His giddiness sounded a tad forced, and I felt the whole thing was better left to the original — though it was way more listenable than “Sussudio”.
“(I CAN’T GET NO) SATISFACTION,” BRITNEY SPEARS (2000)
“A” for effort here, but Britney doesn’t show a lot of affinity for the material, which I doubt she’d even heard before she went into the studio. Her version starts weirdly pretty, then develops a disco beat and becomes monotonous and bloodless, as if “Satisfaction” was a Chuck E. Cheese menu item that she craved. “I can’t get no, uh, satisfaction” indeed.
“SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT,” MILEY CYRUS (2011)
In concert in ’11, moxie-ish Miley told the audience that she wanted to cover some music that had inspired her. She then launched into her brassy version of the Nirvana classic, the result being roundly criticized for coming off like just the type of show-biz schlock Kurt Cobain detested. It smells all right.
“TURN THE BEAT AROUND,” GLORIA ESTEFAN (1994)
I love Gloria — she’s a terrific singer and a nice person — but the original version of this percolating disco classic, sung by Vicki Sue Robinson in 1976, definitely has the edge. Gloria dutifully goes through the paces like someone just learning to conga, whereas Vicki Sue’s rendition was a force of nature with passion and power. It didn’t scream out for re-doing, thank you.
“EVERLASTING LOVE,” GLORIA ESTEFAN (1994)
Again, Gloria’s the best, but by covering this rollicking ditty in paint-by-numbers style, she only reminded us how great the 1974 Carl Carlton version was. (The song was a 1967 hit for Robert Knight, then remade by Love Affair in 1968, Carlton and Sandra in 1987. Carlton’s version is the classic.) Fortunately, Gloria has plenty of original hits in her repertoire — enough for her imminent Broadway show.
“DOWNTOWN,” MRS. MILLER (1966)
A Missouri-born lady who sang off the beat and off-key, Mrs. Miller was a novelty star who was supposed to be bad — and she truly lived down to the hype. Her tone-deaf cover of the 1964 Petula Clark classic is a hilarious abomination — and it made the charts! What was America thinking? I don’t know, but I have to admit I sort of love it.
“ROCKET MAN,” WILLIAM SHATNER (1978)
On the televised Science Fiction Film Awards, “Rocket Man” wasn’t done by Elton John, who would have blown it sky high. It was massacred in a pretentious and wildy un-musical version by Captain Kirk of “Star Trek,” who seems to think he’s creating some sort of performance-art triumph. Dolled up in a tux, Shatner self-importantly puffs away at a cig in between speaking the lyrics, like, “It’s lonely out in space.” (He meant on the Starship Enterprise, I guess). Thanks to split-screen effects, he re-appears, still talking the lyrics and overacting while his first persona has to sit there and listen. And soon enough, a third him appears, chewing even more scenery as you muse, “And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time” before I get over this.
“AMERICAN PIE,” MADONNA (2000)
In 1971, Don McLean had a huge hit with his mysterious song that somehow springboarded off memories of the death of Buddy Holly and other major rock stars in a plane crash. McLean was evasive about the song’s content. In fact, once, when he was asked what the song means, he responded, “It means I don’t ever have to work again if I don’t want to.” Madonna’s version, which Rupert Everett had told her to do, is shorter and has a dance-pop feel. Her voice actually sounds terrific on it, but the whole thing ends up sounding as empty and pointless as a plane crash full of rock stars. NME called it “sub karaoke fluff,” but at least the music magazine didn’t say that when Madonna’s version came out, it was “the day the music died.”
“MY GENERATION,” HILARY DUFF (2004)
The original 1965 song by The Who is raw, rebellious, pointed and full of fire. Well, those are not really qualities that are generally ascribed to Hilary Duff. I’ll give her credit for trying, but her cover comes off like a Vegas singing waitress trying to sound punky in between serving sliders. And people objected to her adding the word “don’t” so the song’s big line is subverted to “Hope I don’t die before I get old.” Optimism in a Who song? Shameful!
Michael Musto is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
