You spend enough of your life at work. With the economy the way it is and, especially in big cities, you may spend more time than you probably should at work, so your office can start to become like a microcosm for society.
People tend to start taking on certain personality types and qualities, and there is also a wide array of characters that are good, bad and ugly. We’ve already covered some valuable advice on how not to be a dick at work, but are you one of the motley crew of distracting dunderheads, odious officemates or noxious nine-to-fivers? It’s hard enough to survive the job hunt, but how do you navigate the crazy characters you may work with?
The Bomb Defuser
Regardless of the innocuous busywork, The Bomb Defuser has to treat their job like they are defusing a bomb, curing cancer or saving the world. Yes, your Excel spreadsheet or PowerPoint presentation is due at 5, but it’s not an all-hands-on-deck situation. Also, if you aren’t qualified to perform or even grasp the task, you may not want to advertise it.
The Office Slut
There is no slut-shaming this shameless seducer. This girl or guy walks around the office with tight or revealing clothing and spend a lot of time languidly walking around the office broadcasting SEX. Whether it’s a short skirt and heels or barely there Dockers with three buttons unbuttoned, the Office Slut is way more concerned with your attraction to them than they are to their work. That, or they were raised by really skanky wolves.
The HR Bitch
Humanity was never meant to evolve to a place where we need a Human Resources person. The only people aware of this fact are people actually in HR. Willfully ignorant of myriad subjects, they are not qualified to vet people in different departments. Their main importance is managing payment and health insurance, and if there is an issue, they are more often placating you rather than fixing the problem. With a line to the boss and a position that requires them to interact with everyone, they have the burden of having to be nice to everyone, but are the ones most likely to knock you for being late, lazing around the water cooler or spending too much time talking. However, when they aren’t at their desks banging their keyboards looking busy, they are doing just those things … or watching cat videos.
The Competitive Eater
There’s always someone in the office who’s constantly eating. Whether it’s the weight-conscious person eating seven mini-meals at their desk or the person who’s obsessed with office birthdays, some people use the workplace to work on their wrestling weight.
The Super Victim
You’ve heard of superheroes. Well, listen to the Super Victim, who has the preternatural ability to take everything personally. They obsessively discuss their personal problems with anyone who will listen, and they also invent issues with innocuous people in the office.
The Hermit Crab
Not only is this person antisocial, they’re also kind of cranky about it. These people not only don’t talk, they make it abundantly clear you are not meant to talk to them.
Mr. & Mrs. I’m Working
Regardless of how many tasks they accomplish and how much business they actually do, they want everyone in the office to know that They Are Working. Everything they do is meant to broadcast to everyone from CEO to intern that They Are Working. This includes walking around the office having conversations, randomly throwing out buzzwords or specific project names to passerby or making loud business calls. Whether they’re schmoozing with their hairstylist on the other line or going to the bathroom to masturbate, who would know?
Stank Face
Resting Bitch Face has widely been accepted as an affliction, but this person takes it to a new level. Not only do they have a stank look on their face all day, they also make a concerted effort to not talk to people. It’s unclear whether it’s awkwardness or assholiness, but you’ll never find out. Who wants to talk to someone with stank face?
The Cruise Director
Like on the Lido Deck, the Cruise Director makes sure everyone is having fun. However, this is usually a smokescreen for not doing any work — at all. Whether due to ineptitude or a poor work ethic, they are the first to recommend a trip out of the office for coffee or a snack or an early exit for happy hour. They’re great to have and mean well, but what about work?
Mr. & Mrs. Prozac
This person has clearly taken too many happy pills. Whether they are desperately trying to hide what lies beneath or they write morning affirmations to keep themselves from committing suicide, this person is way too excited to be at work. Regardless of how much you love your job, commuting, waking up in the morning or those few moments before your coffee means you’re just not there yet. Watch out for Mr. or Mrs. Prozac, who will be way too jazzed. Also, be careful, because if they get fired they just might come back and go postal.
The Ragamuffin
This person clearly got dressed in the dark five minutes before arriving. You don’t have to be a fashion plate at work, but this person’s hygiene is questionable.
The Rage-a-holic
This person is in desperate need of a Care Bear stare because clearly they were not hugged as a child. This person is prone to yelling, cursing at their desk and then wildly overreacting. However, much like an abusive boyfriend, they will come by later to make sure you’re OK.
So, did YOU make the list?
Christian Cintron is a contributing journalist for TheBlot Magazine.
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