I’m no scrooge, but Christmas does seem to come earlier and earlier. And with its early arrival comes every right-wing hack with some sort of nauseating Christmas tome.
They produce said book by opening Microsoft Word, placing their forearm on the keyboard for roughly 10 minutes, then sending along whatever’s produced to their publisher.
We’ve heard from powerhouses of religious thought like Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee. Now it’s time for the queen of the Great White North, Sarah Palin, to chime in.
Her book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas,” is currently No. 1 on Amazon under the category Books (subcategory Christian Books, Christian Living, Holidays, Christmas). It’s also No. 1 under category Books (Christian Books, Christian Living, Throwing Red Meat to Masses, Who the Hell Do You Think You are, Unlettered Crap.)
You’re probably wondering, “What’s in Palin’s book?” Well I’ve read it, so you don’t have to. Inevitably, books of this caliber contain the author’s interpretation of Christian theology, despite lacking any education in the field. Fun times. Palin writes:
“As Jesus Christ said in the Old Testament, ‘I’m Jesus Christ. Rogue I will go. Merry Christmas. That will mean more centuries from now. So write that down. Hope.'” (Page 32)
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Beyond their musings on Christianity, these books also pepper in eye-rolling anecdotes of a simpler time for Christmas in the real America. Palin reminds us:
“When Todd and I were first starting out, he took me to a glorious Christmas Eve dinner at the Wasilla Arby’s. Todd knew the manager, so we were seated right away. I splurged and got the roast beef. Obama is a secret Muslim.” (Page 96)
Then there are the offerings of favorite family recipes. This comes from Grandma “Poot-Poot” Palin:
“Poot-Poot’s Holiday Dip. Take one can of salmon. Open. Add salt, Vaseline. Serve on toast. Garnish with paprika. This may cause a rash for people of a certain blood type. God, I hate Levi Johnston.” (Page 185)
And there is some questionable lesson about gift giving, how it’s not the gift, blah blah:
“A good Christian knows the spirit of giving. Take a lesson from the Magi and send a gift card that says I love you very much, but love caps at twenty-five dollars worth of iTunes music. But don’t tell that to our brave men we lost in Benghazi.” (Page 102)
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As stated earlier, Mike Huckabee trotted out his Christmas book, “A Simple Christmas,” in 2009, when he bravely pledged to eat whatever copies he did not sell. I guess a simpleton should recognize a simple Christmas. Glenn Beck gave us “A Christmas Sweater” the year before. My favorite part of his work was the disclaimer at the front: “This book is a work of fiction … incidents are part of the author’s imagination.” I suppose his legal team requires this at the start of all of Beck’s books, fiction or not.
