Are you a hero? If you, do you desire to be a hero? Let’s face it: everyone wants to be famous, rich and perhaps be called a hero. There are so many heroes in America today: war soldiers, army generals, civil rights advocates and even the president. What is a real and what is fake, yes, without dying?
If you pay attention to the little things, like cinematic tropes used ad nauseum to get a good guy out of a certain predicament or help a bad guy advance his goals, you’ll notice that the filmed arts tend to stick to some fairly simply patterns. Well, I’m here to shakes things up a bit, and offer some advice for any wannabe heroes or villains out there who don’t want to get busted up by the fallacy of an assumed movie cliché in real life.
1. The Master Plan on the Wall
“Off the Wall” is a wonderful Michael Jackson album — and it’s also sound advice for a villain-in-training. Yes, we all know you want to plaster your master plan all over the wall, complete with newspaper clippings, maps, photos and different colors of string tying all of your crazy ideas together. Don’t do that. Resist the urge. Some cop or hero-type is just going to stumble across your wall of doom and then get to relish in the fact that he or she now has some amazing insight into your madness. There must be some kind of evil app available, or in development, that you can scheme on, rather than a mere wall. And besides, no one reads print newspapers anymore anyway.
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2. The White Coat (for Goodies)
If you run a hospital, laboratory or clandestine government research institution, for heaven’s sake, lock up your dressing rooms and linen closets and keep track of all of your white coats. And while you’re at it, keep your coat closets deep inside the structure, far away from the reception area. That way some schlub from off the street can’t just walk in, slip into a changing room, borrow a white lab coat and wander about willy-nilly pilfering medical charts, powerful drugs, secret files or murdering someone.
3. The White Coat (for Baddies)
If you want to get into pretty much any facility — at least according to the world of film and television — all you need is a white lab coat and a name tag or badge. Always keep a spare lab coat and a few miscellaneous ID tags in your bag. A world monitored by high-tech surveillance is now at your fingertips, because, apparently, you’ve chosen the perfect camouflage.
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4. Threatening the Security Guard
If, for some strange reason, your white coat won’t let you slip by the security guards, the movies would have us believe that you can simply threaten them, and they’ll cave in a manner of seconds. Some mumbo jumbo about how “you don’t want me to report you to your boss” because “I’m a very important, vaguely recognizable authority figure” generally gets you past the first hurdle. My advice, in real life, if you truly think the security professionals you’re dealing with are malleable and gullible to a ridiculous point, is to simply bribe the poor bastards. As we all know from a ton of action flicks, security guards are the first to get their necks broken or shot to bits when the shit hits the fan. Lots of work, no respect and the constant threat of bodily harm. Just bribe ’em, give them a little extra cash in order to enjoy their life before someone else comes in and ruins their probably already less-than-stellar day.
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5. Secret Identity Blues
If you’re a villain or a masked vigilante, it can be hard to keep your secret identify, well, a secret. You’re just dying to tell someone. It’s burning inside of you. You’ve got to let the world know just how selfless you really are. How can you humble brag (for heroes) or just old-fashioned brag if no one knows your name? Tell no one. This bears repeating. Tell no one, ’cause if you do, you’re screwed. If you tell your Lois Lane or Mary Jane Watson and swear them to secrecy, they’ll tell their BFF, and then swear them secrecy. “I promised not tell a soul, but I’m telling you. You can’t repeat this to anyone.” But of course he or she does, and then the whole world knows your name. Now you can’t even go out and buy a toilet brush without being shot at, arrested or hounded for an autograph. Shut your trap. You’ll live a lot longer.
