Amazon.com is the bookstore that offers everything you’ve never thought of … and canned unicorn meat. Here are 10 crazy products in stock at Amazon, plus one unbelievable bonus item:
1. Radioactive Uranium Ore, $50: It’s in stock, radioactive on “all levels” (alpha, beta and gamma), selling well (better than my book on the U.S.S.R.), and the listing says nothing about limiting the number of cans per order. One glowing customer recommends packing it when you travel. Karl J Von Bose says in his review, “The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price!” Sure, you can use it to test your Geiger counter or for educational purposes as the description recommends, but after rubbing it 
into his skin and gums another shopper was disappointed not to become a mutant superhero.
2. A 55-Gallon Drum of Passion Lubricant, $2,500 (at 522 lbs. this product is too heavy for the Amazon delivery drones): Currently there are only seven barrels of sex lube left in stock and they’re on sale for half price, just $1,246.95 each. One 5-star reviewer says, “This stuff is slicker than dog snot on a brass doorknob.” A plus-size woman highly recommends it for easing your way through doors. Another customer asked if the product has an extended shelf life due to size — the answer was “no.”
3. Gas Masks (Soviet era, one size fits all), $40: There are many gas masks to select from on Amazon — Israeli, Czech, even infant and children’s 
sizes, but this Russian/Soviet-era GP-5 gas mask has a 4.5-out-of-5-stars customer rating. Its description says, “Nuclear, Biological and Chemical (NBC)” carbon filter with no expiration date, but the filter has an unexpected perk according to one Amazon verified purchaser: “I had the common cartridge type filter tested by an independent laboratory. They confirmed that 30-50% of the filter is Chrysotile Asbestos (White Asbestos).” Wow, that’s ideal for those seeking the authentic Soviet-style experience. And I know about the authentic Soviet-style experience because I was radiated for tonsillitis in the U.S.S.R. Buyers also give this mask dynamite reviews while admitting it smells really bad.
4. Braza Camel-Not Camel Toe Foam Inserts, $8: Women often read books in comfy yoga tights, but Amazon sells a variety of inserts for your pants to conceal unsightly crotch definition. A 5-star reviewer said: “Now I can wear my skinny jeans without looking like I’m smuggling Big Macs in my underwear. It’s a real comfort to me to know that no one will ever know my labia can be seen from space.” C. Reid (aka the Squeaker, from Dallas, Tex.) didn’t find the product changed much for her and thought that instead of a foam insert, something firmer like a plastic insert would be better, to give more shape to the vulva. But another gushing reviewer wrote, “The product really covers my big bulging labia. They are so full that I get a camel toe when I wear anything. These really help conceal my huge swollen labia.” It’s too bad that there aren’t any customer before-and-after photographs uploaded for this product.
5. Whole Skinned Rabbits, $60: Quick like a bunny, get on this! There aren’t many left in stock. Perfect for the fan of “Watership Down,” this product is described as having “a nutty aftertaste.” An Amazon top 1,000 reviewer going by the name George Takei (that can’t be for real — or can it?) declared, “Brad and I were very excited to order a few of these delectable beauties in order to reenact the skinning and spitting-over-an-open-fire scene from ‘Game of Thrones.'” Another marvels: “I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.” James K. Polk warns, “For the love of all that is decent, do NOT choose the ‘Buy It Used’ option.”
6. Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, $22: This is the cookbook that I’ll be displaying somewhere very visible the next time I have to entertain family. The jacket tempts you with, “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.” If that hasn’t sold you on cooking with spunk, then this Amazon verified purchaser review might have you loading your shopping basket: “My girlfriend and I just love this cookbook. She takes care of the actual cooking part and I am responsible for gathering the ingredients. We were delighted to find the ethnic food sections and are exploring the Asian cuisine this week. I gotta tell you though, the Cream of Sumyoungguy is not for the faint of heart. It called for 1/2 cup of the err, special sauce. She said it was divine but honestly, I was just too tired to eat.”
7. Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer, $7: This item is great for semen harvesters. A school teacher in St. Petersburg, Fla., wrote, “As a teacher of teenage boys, there is no ‘Maybe’ when it comes to touching genitals; it’s only a question of how many times in the last, say 2 minutes, so I keep plenty of this product available in my classroom. My only complaint is that it doesn’t come in gallon jugs, because I’m pretty sure that a gallon a day is not an overestimate of the amount we need. I think the makers of this product could also do well to offer a ‘balls away’ air freshener. I sure could use something like that in my classroom.” The product makers do, however, offer a larger-size Maybe You Touched Your Genitals liquid hand soap.
8. Canned Squid in Ink Sauce, $17: Nothing kindles my desire for snacking like reclining on the couch in my comfy yoga tights while reading. I was devastated to discover the canned unicorn meat sold on Amazon’s website does not contain any real unicorn meat. However, they do sell real squid in its own ink, by the can. There are only six (10 packs) left in stock right now, but there are “more on the way.” If they run out soon, don’t dismay because there are other brands of canned squid available.
9. Male Circumcision Simulator, $184: The first review of this product was made yesterday. There is no description except that the product is on sale for $95, has a shipping weight of five pounds, and ships in two to three weeks. There are male circumcision training products that you can purchase replacement foreskins for, but they’re so expensive one has to wonder if unlike the unicorn meat, they are genuine foreskins. There is no indication on Amazon whether this is a one-snip deal or if replacement parts are available.
10. , $11: The book is described as being “the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), a genetic birth defect that grows the penis to absurd proportions.” I wonder if there is an awareness ribbon for OMG? One customer admitted, “I purchased this last year for my 14 year old step son for Christmas. This was a perfect present for him.” Another brings it with him to read at Starbucks. Terry Roth of Montreal gave it 5 stars and said, “For us guys that walk and leave a middle trail in the sand, this book is invaluable.” I bet Terry just has really short legs.
The Ultimate Bonus Crazy Item: The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser /Tank, $20,000. So much more than just books, Amazon also allows you to buy a tank. You do have to hit the alternate buying option before you can add this sweet baby to your shopping basket. Ron Dansley titled his review “I’d pay 10x the price” and said, “Every single person I have had an issue with is now afraid of me. It’s not that quiet respect kind of thing either, these people are petrified of me. My neighbors used to get mad when the dog ‘Wally’ would use their yard as a bathroom — not any more. In fact, they don’t get mad when I do it either.” Billy Bob McRobert only gives the Donk 2 stars: “I bought one of these Donks ’cause I thought the cops wouldn’t hassle me in it. Since it aint road legal I figured it wouldn’t matter that I don’t got a driver’s license anymore.” The Donk comes with interior carpeting, accent lighting and turn signals.
Kirsten Koza is the author of “Lost in Moscow: A Brat in the USSR,” which is available on Amazon as a paperback and now also in the Kindle store.
